be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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