I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
