he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
MIDGETS
????
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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