It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
