My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
