You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
