You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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