The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
How does one acquire holy water?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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