I look better un-naked...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Tornado booty call.. dedication
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
