dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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