he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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