My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
