Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
