Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
