i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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