I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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