im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
