She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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