I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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