if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
