Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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