I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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