He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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