Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
