I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
