I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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