tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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