And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
