Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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