You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
