so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
