apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
