woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
