dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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