I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
not ubering you a puppy
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
