Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
