The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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