I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Me too!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
