Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
