there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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