so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
