My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i came on her dog
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
