I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize