i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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