just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
