I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
