You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize