I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize