He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
