Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
