it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
