No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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