Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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