sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
