I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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