I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
