My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
