dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
