I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
