I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
